During a time of economic depression, an industry that had brought them life and love was beginning to fade away. To survive, difficult fiscal decisions were being made daily, but nothing had happened quickly enough to rebound their failing economy, drastic measures had to be taken.
Operation Bigfoot began when the lights went out in the old shoemaker’s house. A specially trained tactical team went to work under a cloak of darkness, and several sets of goggled eyes moved swiftly down a narrow hall, toward a barely open door where inside, a machine was churning. Following weeks of bipartisan bickering and political debate, the green light was given, Operation Bigfoot was in full swing.
Humming and turning, tumbling and heating; rolling around somewhere inside that machine was a promise of hope for their continued existence. The tiny team of specially trained operatives made ready to breach their target in search of the asset. While the shopkeep was fast asleep, the elves were looking to expand their area of expertise.
Shoemaking was revolutionary in its time and it paved the way for many great generations of elf. But their little world was evolving, the needs of the people were changing, and the elves were forced to try new things. An aggressive expansion into the world of sock making seemed both a logical step, and one long overdue.
Quietly, they prepared inside the shopkeep’s laundry room as the machine spun a dry heat, warming the room. Operatives Echo and Alpha fired their silenced weapons and launched two lines of neoprene rope to a grappling hold atop the dryer. Hand over foot, they ascended up the side of the slick metal, taking cautious time to keep from falling a great distance to the floor.
Somewhere, further down the hall of the shoemaker’s little shop, elves went about their nightly routine. They tinkered and toyed with the soles and laces, quietly, all of them wondered about Bigfoot’s progress. They exchanged silent glances with eyes full of hope. A revolutionary movement to restore their life and liberty, Operation Bigfoot was all the buzz in their small community.
Alpha and Echo had reached the top of the dryer. They forced the timer to it’s finish and set off a red flare to indicate their success. On the ground, a great distance from the top, Bravo and Tango set about and readied the cannon; in its barrel was a specially designed threading hook, constructed to penetrate to door of the dryer. It fired. It flew. It pulled a long line of neoprene behind and slammed with success into the corner of the door.
Several goggled eyes took up their positions and pulled. A dozen little elves grabbed hold of the line and they heaved, they huffed. They twisted and strained, and then they all fell forward when the door gave way and opened. Behind the metal dryer door, the asset was revealed. A white athletic, gold-toe tube sock, capable of wicking away moisture, engineered to perfection by a civilization of fruit.
Alpha and Echo held their lines and fastened a harness around their chests. Together they repelled to the open dryer door, and wearing special heat resistant suits, the two operatives swung themselves inside the interrupted machine. Supplied with more specially designed hooks, the two small coverts fastened the sock to a line, which connected to a parachute that Echo sent back down to the ground. Once again, the ground forces heaved and pulled, and they successfully leveraged the sock from the dryer, it fell to the floor and a green flare signaled the asset had been acquired.
Echo and Alpha regained their position at the top of the machine. They pulled the timing dial back to the middle, and on the ground, the elves used ladders to re-secure the door into place. Their hook was removed, the door was shut, the dryer restarted, and the final steps of Operation Bigfoot were put into play.
Leaving behind no evidence of their theft, two parachutes descended from their peaked elevation atop the dryer, and once on the ground, everyone lifted a portion of the sock. In double time, the elves marched the sock back to their village where scientists were waiting. They would deconstruct the sock by reverse engineering, and find new ways of enriching their own materials, all to power their failing economy. It was for the greater good.
Some feared this Operation would be the first step towards a war with the Fruits of Loom, but in a time of great economic struggle, survival became king, tough decisions were made. War or no war, for their way of life to go on, the ends would have to justify the means.
Comments 4
Hoo-lee-crap. I would have to say this this is without doubt the best writing I have seen you put forth so far. LOVED IT! The style on this one is pristine and fluid, description was spot on. The whimsical theme is just lovely. This is the type of fiction that I really enjoy, had me smiling throughout. Great job, B!
Posted 18 Feb 2010 at 1:12 pm ¶Once again you have blown me away with your creative genius…where DO you come up with it all?! Made me smile as well.
Posted 18 Feb 2010 at 2:01 pm ¶“Behind the metal dryer door, the asset was revealed. A white athletic, gold-toe tube sock, capable of wicking away moisture, engineered to perfection by a civilization of fruit.” Great line here. Once again, I love what you did, I just want you to slow it down a little bit, and really rip into the details. Love the idea, very creative!
Posted 24 Feb 2010 at 1:55 pm ¶(P=Paragraph)
P1: Epic, and yet stagnant opening. Too much telling, not enough showing, as evidenced by the abundance of “to” and “had”. I realize that this is trying to set the scene, but coupled with the first few paragraphs, the reader has no idea what’s physically going on here (i.e. who or what’s involved), so the opening should carry more strength. Also, the final phrase works better as a stand alone sentence (lose the “had to be”; consider “This called for drastic measures,” or possibly something less cliché).
P2: Excellent beginning. I suggest making it “as several sets of goggled eyes” instead of “and”; it keeps the second part of that sentence more a part of the first. “Churned” instead of “was churning”—you want to keep the action in the active voice, so more –ed and less –ing. In the final sentence, it makes it sound like the green light is given *after* the operation starts. Change “given” to “on/lit/illuminated/etc”, or even better, eliminate the “was” for something like “the green light finally blinked on/shone strong” and you fix that. I’d also add an “and” before “Operation Bigfoot,” or make that last phrase its own sentence.
P3: The excessive ings works fine here, as they demonstrate action. Good second sentence as well. In the third, you’re very much in the passive voice again. “was fast asleep” should improve to “slept deeply”/”lay abed”/”visited Dreamland”/”lay tucked beneath the quilts of his oaken sleigh-bed” etc. You get the idea? Similarly, “the elves looked”.
P4: In the first sentence, I’m actually going to recommended converting “and it paved” to “time, paving the way”. Nevertheless, try to get the first two sentences out of the passive voice again (beware of “was” and “were”). Believe me, it’s a difficult habit to crawl out of, but it makes everything sound so much stronger! Good last sentence, setting the scene for the elves’ grand plan.
P5: First sentence, “while” works a bit better than “as”. The shoe-making elves carry weapons? I want the story about who and/or what they use those on! The “up” after “ascended” is unnecessary. Typically, when one’s ascending something, they are traveling upward. “Taking cautious time” sounds a touch awkward. “A great distance” sounds pretty vague, so how about naming the distance with some sort of adverb “a terrifying three feet onto the cobblestone floor”?
P6: No comma after “Somewhere”. Move “quietly” to “They quietly tinkered” and get rid of the “the” in that sentence. It isn’t necessary. If you keep it “all of them wondered”, separate it from the first part of that sentence with a semicolon. Maybe move “Eyes full of hope” to the beginning of that sentence, losing the “with”.
P7: Get rid of “had” and voila! Active voice! Describe Alpha and Echo’s action more thoroughly. Right now, it’s a lot of “they did this, and then they did that.” Perhaps go into how they forced the timer, and what the flare looked like when it went off. Eliminate “set about and”. Too superfluous in combination with “readied”. Make it “penetrate the dryer door”. You’ve already used the word “neoprene” with the guns. Because this word is one you don’t often come across, it really sticks out the second time, so consider trying something different, or compare it more closely with the previously mentioned guns. I like the parallelism of “It fired. It flew. It…”
P8: As with the neoprene, you’ve already used the “goggle-eye” description. It’s too unique for more than one use in something this short, and pulls the reader out of the story. Period after “strained” and start the next sentence anew with “They.” Delete “and opened”. Also, things that “give way” are usually being pushed, not pulled, so maybe a different word choice is in order. Now the locking fixture on the door, or whatever it is that keeps it shut, *can* give way. Absolutely love the description of the asset!!
P9: “Harnesses” unless you want them sharing a harness, as the sentence structure currently implies. They don’t really repel to the door do they? More like the cavernous opening. Lots of “to”s in that third sentence. Final sentence: Take out “and they” and make it “leveraging”, and start “It fell” as its own sentence.
P10: Change “pulled” to twisted”? Pulled, or something similar, seems to get used a lot. Eliminate the “was” after “door” and “were” after “Bigfoot”.
P11: Nicely written first sentence. Maybe describe the parachutes in more detail, as well as the lifting of the sock? “Scientists waited”, not “were waiting”.
P12: The Fruits of Loom! I love it!! Contrary to popular belief, the “s” on “towards” is rarely necessary. I like “becomes” over “became”, since this seems like a general statement of philosophy. “Requiring tough decisions” instead of “were made”?
Final Comments:
Posted 27 Feb 2010 at 2:09 pm ¶-Overall, a very awesome take on the shoemaker’s present day elves. The Fruit of the Loom references? Priceless.
-As Chris mentioned in his comment, the action passes by too quickly. Add details that create a picture, like you did with the sock and when the parachutes drop from the dryer.
-One major problem: the reader never really feels a part of the story. We don’t relate to the elves, we don’t see why we should care. We’re just sort of watching things happen from the outskirts, without getting any sense of the characters. Give us some hints about their personalities and lives, and that will greatly add to the story.
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