He wasn’t listening to the words, the beat occupying his mind. His hair danced across the carpet, froze in it’s last pose before his head draped against the floor, body sprawled, hugging the fibers of recently vacuumed flooring. David didn’t know what was so comforting about lying on the floor of his room, door shut and music up, but it was one of his favorite pastimes.
The late semi-darkness of the neighborhood peeked through his window, the curtain lazily still drawn open. Strong stars and weak lamp posts shining though and dancing with the lamplight. From where David lay, he could just make out a few of the celestial figures peaking over the Gibbson’s roof, angled down into his music filled bedroom. He liked constellations. He did not like the Gibbsons.
Not only did their roof partially bar Orion from David’s floor concerts, but everything the Gibbsons stood for was backwards to David. Home schooling, right winged, impatient. It was more then their roof, it was their poor choice in music, their sheltered existence. Their beige cloths hanging to dry on the line. Their minivan. Their picket signs and protests around town. The Gibbsons were more then just the family who occupied the space next to his parent’s house, the Gibbsons were everything that was wrong with this town.
*************************************************************************************************
“That boy’s music is too loud.” Sue peered out of the ground floor kitchen window, up to the neighboring window. “And so help me, if he forgets to close his curtain I’ll call the cops again.” Calmly pretending to wash the dishes, her gaze fixed. “We don’t need to see him parading around his room in his underwear. There are children in this house. It’s indecent.”
Greg scowled at the newsprint in front of him, setting it on the table, ignoring his wife’s comments and focusing on her soapy hands. “I’m going to shower quick before bed, don’t take all the hot water.” He got up and moved to the doorway, stopping before exiting. “A wife should take these things into account. You need to set a good example for our daughters.”
As Greg made his way down the hallway, Sue nudged the sink, setting cool water through the pipes and bringing most of her focus from the neighbor’s upstairs window and back down to the pan in front of her. As the water poured, she took the kitchen towel, wiped the counter in front of her, dried her hands and massaged her temples. She was almost finished.
*************************************************************************************************
He remembered underwear. It had been a conscious choice lately, since Mrs. Gibbson had taken to calling the cops on him every time he got out of the shower without closing his curtain. David thought it would be easier to close the curtain altogether, but something in that felt like admitting defeat. He wasn’t naked, but he wasn’t dressed. His subtle protest. Walking by his bed David caught a glimpse at the Gibbson’s front yard. Parked at the curb was a single cop car, Lieutenant Eric and Officer Jason making their way to the Gibbson’s front door.
As the lamp light caught David’s body, standing in observation by the window, Lieutenant Eric sent a friendly wave his way. They all knew what was going on.
“Shit.”
*************************************************************************************************
“Well, at least he’s dressed. That’s a start.”
“You know Mrs. Gibbson, it won’t be enough.” Lieutenant Eric said moving up the sidewalk with Officer Jason. “I tell you, I’m getting close to erecting a giant partition myself, right down the middle of–”
Officer Jason looked at the Lieutenant , confused, before following his gaze to the front window of the family room. House lights shone through a giant gash in the glass, sparkling splinters scattered into and around the yard outside.
“What exactly did the dispatcher say Mrs. Gibbson was complaining about?” Officer Jason asked the broken window.
“It was Mr. Gibbson who called. They think. Just a bunch of screaming before he hung up. They traced the call before it got disconnected…” Lieutenant Eric reached to his shoulder, clicking on his radio. “Possible break in at 1586 Musgrave St. Request immediate backup.”
“You think it’s a break in?” The Officer asked.
“No. Not a break in.”
*************************************************************************************************
David made his way down the driveway, the hedge to his right blocking his view of the Gibbson’s house. Three cops cars, and ambulance, fire truck, and several nondescript black cars were parked in the street. Fairly certain he wasn’t in trouble, David wanted to know what was so interesting. Even without the flashing lights and people talking, David’s curiosity would have been enough to keep him awake.
He made his way around the edge of the hedge and peered cautiously around at the house. The front window was broken, and multiple stretchers were being ushered from the house, zipped white bags occupying each one.
David made his way across the lawn, forgetting about the police and activity around him. His bare feet bringing him closer to the open window as he tried to peer in, the kitchen light illuminating the jagged corners of the glass still attached to the house.
Is that, blood? David thought, spotting a red stain on the kitchen floor in the distance.
“Stop!”
David turned around suddenly, Eric behind him, a slightly panicked look on his face.
“There’s broken glass all over. You didn’t think to put on shoes before coming outside?”
“I put on pants.” David sarcastically displayed his jeans. “What happened?”
“You need to go home, stay inside.” Eric gestured with his hands, motioning David to come with him back toward the other end of the lawn, closer to home.
“Were the doors locked?” David asked, moving slowly down the lawn toward Eric.
“What?”
“Were the doors all locked?” Eric didn’t answer, so David slowed his pace. “Listen, every night Mrs. Gibbson checks all the doors and windows at least three times. After dinner that place is hermetically sealed.” Eric remained silent as they made their way around the end of the hedge and onto the driveway. “The glass, in the yard?” David continued, “means that, the way the glass fell: something wasn’t breaking in. It was breaking out.”
The two men stared at each other for a second, Eric taking a cautious look around.
“Look, we don’t know what happened, but it’s our job to figure it out, not yours. Just…stay inside ok?”
David stood, stubbornly on the cement.
“If you’re right, if something did break out, then it’s still out here somewhere. Stay inside. We can talk later.”
*************************************************************************************************
Back in the Gibbson’s front yard, Officer Jason was patrolling the broken glass in the grass, his MagLight scanning each blade. Lieutenant Eric came to his side, studying the hole in the window.
“What do you think did that?” Officer Jason asked, peering down .
Lieutenant Eric took a look at the end of the flashlight’s beam. Three parallel five inch long lines were carved into the grass. The flashlight moved along the blades, another set dug in a few feet down the lawn, toward the street.
“Are those claw marks?” Lieutenant Eric asked rhetorically.
The two men followed the sets with their eyes, their bodies turned toward the street busy with their coworkers. Dark, sleepy houses lining the asphalt. Houses almost identical to the broken one behind them. The claw marks reached the asphalt and disappeared, leaving no mark, indication, or trail for the two men to follow.
“Well, Lieutenant. Now what?”
Comments 2
“Strong stars and weak lamp posts shining through and dancing with the lamplight…” what an awesome line this is! I also really like your description of the Gibbsons – we all know this family, and the rebellious non-closing of the curtains – love it. Curious to see where you are heading…
Posted 25 Feb 2010 at 2:54 pm ¶Section 1:
-First sentence throws me a little: “the beat occupying his mind” just feels a touch weird in conjunction with the “ing” verb used previously in the sentence. You want to be careful using too many “ing”s in the first place. Personally, I’d write it: “…words; the beat occupied his mind.” However, I’m not a huge fan of semicolons in an opening sentence either.
-Also in the first P (P=paragraph): “frozen” instead of “froze”, and should be “its” without the apostrophe. And how can his hair dance across the carpet if it’s frozen? Excellent description of the carpet. I’ll quit harping on punctuation now.
-P2: When you say “lamplight,” are we talking about the previously mentioned “street lamps” or an inside light source? Also, you’ve now used the verb “to dance” twice in as many paragraphs. It’s too noticeable a verb for that. Stars shine brighter than the much nearer lampposts? The wording sounds cool, if not sound physics-wise. Love the parallelism between the last two sentences.
-P3: Word of the paragraph: “their.” Is this okay? Yes. You may want to rethink some of the punctuating though. Final sentence sets up the conflict nicely.
Section 2:
-P1: Her gaze fixed? On…something different? Or why mention it again? I’d maybe combine some of the essential elements in this second descriptory (yes, I’ve invented a word) sentence with the first one. Something like: “Calmly pretending to wash the dishes, Sue peered out the ground floor window, her gaze fixed upward on the square of lighted glass that marked one of the neighboring house’s bedrooms.” Or to keep nearer the latter half of your sentence’s original wording: “…Sue peered into the outer nightscape, and up toward the neighboring window.” Either way, I’d find a way to avoid using “window” twice in the same sentence since you’re describing separate objects.
-P2: I already hate Greg and it’s just the first sentence. Too many “ings.” Now I *really* hate Greg. More specific word than “moved”? “Moved” works here alright, but he could stomp or skulk or slouch or stalk or…wow, that’s a lot of “s” words…plod?
-P3: Love the physical transfer of Sue’s focus.
Section 3:
-P1-3: Teeheeheehee. An excellent section overall. Except who is it that says “Shit?” The scene implies that it has to be David; he’s the only one in speaking distance. But why would he say “shit” to a friendly wave? However, I like the way it almost seems to answer the prior statement: They all knew what was going on here = shit.
-**Cosmetic thing: “lamplight” can legitimately be one word, and I think it looks better that way on the page. On that note, “lamppost” is legit too, but looks kind of funky; I tend to hyphenate it.
Section 4:
-P2: Excellent description of the glass!
-P3: If there was screaming, why would they still think it had something to do with David’s history of “indecent” exposure? Spell out “Street.” Also, police officers refer to things in code. They wouldn’t say “possible break-in.” They’d say “We have a 4202” (or something similar; you can probably find the actual code online somewhere).
Section 5:
-P2: Here’s that word “peer” again. It’s one of those verbs that people tend to remember, so in a section this short, you can really only use it once. Also, for some reason I remember body bags as being typically black in color (to hide blood and other fluids, I think). I could be wrong about this.
-P3: His bare feet “brought,” not “bringing.”
-P6: You’re missing a verb in the second phrase of this sentence. The way this reads now implies Eric was already with David and is mimicking his movements, and that the panicked expression is on David’s face, not Eric’s.
-P7: Nice, tight dialogue. Introduces new plot point well.
-P8: Watch the excessive “ing”-ing. More “ed”s. Hints in dialogue and action make me wonder what kind of relationship these guys have… Regardless, we never really get a good description of either man. Rough age? Height? Build? But worked craftily into the story, of course.
Section 6:
-P1: Yay Maglite! Except you spelled it wrong! But way to use something much more descriptive than “flashlight.”
-P2: Oh. Here you use “flashlight”. Shame, shame. How about affectionately referring to it as the “Mag” instead? Try saying “three parallel five inch long lines” aloud. Now say it faster. Now think about trying something like this “three parallel lines, each roughly five inches long…” Final sentence of that paragraph needs a semicolon is place of that first comma (I know, I know. I said I was done with the punctuation harping. Obviously, I lied.)
-P3: I don’t see how that question’s particularly rhetorical. Claw marks that big aren’t a usual thing to come across.
-P4: Combine middle 2 sentences with a comma, and “lining” “lined”. Wonderful final descriptory sentence!
-P5: What now? An excellent question, and one I would very much like the answer to.
Final Comments:
Posted 25 Feb 2010 at 5:42 pm ¶-Strong start to an interesting story. I really hope you keep going with it, or I’m going to start hounding you until I at least know what the heck escaped from the Gibbsons’ home. And also how whatever-it-is got there.
-As I’ve mentioned before, beware of overusing “ing” verbs. Also, watch the commas. Some are necessary, some aren’t.
-Most of your characterization is done through internalized thought. We get a good sense of the person behind David and the two Gibbons as well, but little of their external appearance.
-How’s that for a general commentary of Ch. 1?
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