Comments on: “Nameless” http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/03/05/nameless/ Not all that useful for telling time, no... Tue, 03 Aug 2010 18:04:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Bryan http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/03/05/nameless/comment-page-1/#comment-207 Bryan Sat, 06 Mar 2010 06:44:30 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=898#comment-207 Vivid, I watched all of this happen. Your vocabulary use, imaginative. Thought provoking, this piece is nothing short of remarkable, Bridget. The ending left me nearly speechless. "Nameless" is "Wow". Vivid, I watched all of this happen. Your vocabulary use, imaginative. Thought provoking, this piece is nothing short of remarkable, Bridget. The ending left me nearly speechless. “Nameless” is “Wow”.

]]> By: Chris http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/03/05/nameless/comment-page-1/#comment-206 Chris Sat, 06 Mar 2010 06:09:31 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=898#comment-206 Normally, I’m more about story/overall comments, but here we go. Section 1 - I’m glad to see I’m not the only one to use a lot of ing words ;) P2 “Not one of them knew her name. No, that wasn’t true. They knew her name, the one her manager had concocted in a flight of marketing fancy.” Something about this trips me up. Maybe cut out the “they knew her name, the one…” and just simplify. “They knew the one her manager…” P4 “artistry only a well-zeroed check could buy.” love this Section 2 P1 - “He hadn’t seen. His eyes were shut tight” “were” shut tight, or “had been” shut tight? Section 3 P9 - “But Merrimac was gone.” I love simple, short sentences. But I’m not sure about this one. There’s something a little too narratative about it (yeah, I think I made up that word). Keep the idea, but maybe place the observation on a character. P11 - “fall from the stage into the pit area.” Why not “orchestra pit” instead? P11 - “In all likelihood, he or she” pick one. I like that you didn’t use “they” but pick one gender. P13 - “She was down there, all right, in a…” Is she “down there all right” or is she “down there, all right.” I guess what I mean is: is she for sure down there (down there all right) or is she safe down there (down there, all right)? P32 - “she winced. And she was much stronger than she looked.” “and” or “but” Side note - he calls her “hon” quite a bit… Section 4 P7 - is it really “staff EMT” or EMT staff? Or just EMTs? P11- “The blue and silver tie, he’d loosened until it hung a few inches below his throat.” This seems like an incomplete sentence or thought to me. Section 5 P1- “Outside, the finally located…” or “They” finally located? Either works, really… P6 - “the seamless wall that blocked away her well-concealed anxiety bore a visible fracture.” Nice! Overall, I really like it. I like how the characters develop over the course of the story, and the actual events of the shooting(s) keep your interest. The action flows well and your descriptions are new and interesting. I do wonder about Laine’s arc. As a reader I can’t help but wonder what’s next for her. She’s made some progress, but how short lived will it be? On a side note, Laine and the main character in my novel might get along well ;) Normally, I’m more about story/overall comments, but here we go.

Section 1 – I’m glad to see I’m not the only one to use a lot of ing words ;)
P2 “Not one of them knew her name. No, that wasn’t true. They knew her name, the one her manager had concocted in a flight of marketing fancy.” Something about this trips me up. Maybe cut out the “they knew her name, the one…” and just simplify. “They knew the one her manager…”
P4 “artistry only a well-zeroed check could buy.” love this

Section 2
P1 – “He hadn’t seen. His eyes were shut tight” “were” shut tight, or “had been” shut tight?

Section 3
P9 – “But Merrimac was gone.” I love simple, short sentences. But I’m not sure about this one. There’s something a little too narratative about it (yeah, I think I made up that word). Keep the idea, but maybe place the observation on a character.
P11 – “fall from the stage into the pit area.” Why not “orchestra pit” instead?
P11 – “In all likelihood, he or she” pick one. I like that you didn’t use “they” but pick one gender.
P13 – “She was down there, all right, in a…” Is she “down there all right” or is she “down there, all right.” I guess what I mean is: is she for sure down there (down there all right) or is she safe down there (down there, all right)?
P32 – “she winced. And she was much stronger than she looked.” “and” or “but”

Side note – he calls her “hon” quite a bit…

Section 4
P7 – is it really “staff EMT” or EMT staff? Or just EMTs?
P11- “The blue and silver tie, he’d loosened until it hung a few inches below his throat.” This seems like an incomplete sentence or thought to me.

Section 5
P1- “Outside, the finally located…” or “They” finally located? Either works, really…
P6 – “the seamless wall that blocked away her well-concealed anxiety bore a visible fracture.” Nice!

Overall, I really like it. I like how the characters develop over the course of the story, and the actual events of the shooting(s) keep your interest. The action flows well and your descriptions are new and interesting.

I do wonder about Laine’s arc. As a reader I can’t help but wonder what’s next for her. She’s made some progress, but how short lived will it be?

On a side note, Laine and the main character in my novel might get along well ;)

]]>