I dreamed that I died.
chalk boned
carrion
picked over
the feast
long gone
gaping
hollowed windows
persistant
half-opened
mouths
snarled
a sufeit of emptiness
it hovers
the
liquid melted
sun
an alchemy
of rippled heat
evaporation’s reflection
once
a bucolic scene
now
eclipses into stark
barren
godless
stone
burning
glittering
sand
cactus stand
on their knees
at confession
the last water
curling
whisping
into infinitude
wait
wait
wait
dear one
for something
anything
there it is…
it is
the last echo
your heart’s poverty
receiving grace
can you hear it?
Comments 1
(See Disclaimer on “Thief” commentary)
S=Section
S1: I’d drop the period since it’s the only one in the piece and therefore looks funky
S2: “Chalk-boned”. Nice
S3: What exactly do “hollowed windows” look like? Something more precise is needed (broken/empty/dark/curtained?). “Snarled” stands out amongst words that convey a lifeless environment. Since that environment continues on into the following sections, I’d switch it with something that matches the theme so far.
S4: I think you mean “surfeit”. As far as I know, “sufeit” isn’t a word.
S5: I like the words in this order. You have, though, broken from the previous writing pattern.
S6: Combine with S5. They follow the same vein and it doesn’t work well on its own. Also, “alchemy” doesn’t make sense to me in this context since nothing transforms.
S7: Interesting image. I like this line.
S8: Get rid of “once” and “now” and the image becomes stronger. “Godless stone” doesn’t make much sense to me.
S9: Get rid of “stand” because with “cactus” it creates…not the image that follows.
S10: Water appears and is given less attention than anything else in the poem so far.
S11: I’d take out “dear one”. I’m not a fan of people (even not-present people) appearing with seemingly randomness in any form of writing. Also, this gives the “waits” more power.
S12-13: I’d remove these lines completely. They don’t add much, and strike me as cliché.
S14: Consider taking out the first line of this section. It alters the action slightly, but makes the image more profound.
S15: *My* heart’s poverty? When did I get into the poem? Also, I just don’t think these are the right lines for the end of this poem. It doesn’t mesh with the rest of it, and doesn’t convey a strong image and/or feeling. The perfect ending will *make* this poem.
S16: Here I am, still in the poem for the finale. Depending on if you change the preceding lines and what you change them too, I’d say ditch this line completely. If I/you haven’t been involved until now, no need to make an unnecessary appearance, especially one that so drastically changes the flow of the poem.
Final comments:
Posted 14 Mar 2010 at 4:52 pm ¶-I can imagine bits and pieces of this piece in detail. It’s a bit like jumping from focal point to focal point in a painting without seeing the work as a whole. These T.S. Eliot-esque images strike like snapshots, instead of presenting a fluid whole. Whether or not you want to change that depends on how you want the words and images to flow together.
-I am a bit curious about the means of the dream-death.
-As in “Thief”, I’m going to mention consistency of flow and balance. Even with free-verse, it’s helpful to give your reader some semblance of order to which they can cling. When you alter a pattern, do it deliberately. As this looks on the page, it lacks that deliberate feel with alterations in line length and section length. I’m not saying you should stick to a rigid structure though (ie: 1 line, 6, 1, 4, repeat). Hmmm. It’s hard to explain the idea I’m trying to get across. You might have a look at Eliot’s “Hollow Men” and see how he deals with free-verse structural form.
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