S=Section

S1: I’d drop the period since it’s the only one in the piece and therefore looks funky
S2: “Chalk-boned”. Nice
S3: What exactly do “hollowed windows” look like? Something more precise is needed (broken/empty/dark/curtained?). “Snarled” stands out amongst words that convey a lifeless environment. Since that environment continues on into the following sections, I’d switch it with something that matches the theme so far.
S4: I think you mean “surfeit”. As far as I know, “sufeit” isn’t a word.
S5: I like the words in this order. You have, though, broken from the previous writing pattern.
S6: Combine with S5. They follow the same vein and it doesn’t work well on its own. Also, “alchemy” doesn’t make sense to me in this context since nothing transforms.
S7: Interesting image. I like this line.
S8: Get rid of “once” and “now” and the image becomes stronger. “Godless stone” doesn’t make much sense to me.
S9: Get rid of “stand” because with “cactus” it creates…not the image that follows.
S10: Water appears and is given less attention than anything else in the poem so far.
S11: I’d take out “dear one”. I’m not a fan of people (even not-present people) appearing with seemingly randomness in any form of writing. Also, this gives the “waits” more power.
S12-13: I’d remove these lines completely. They don’t add much, and strike me as cliché.
S14: Consider taking out the first line of this section. It alters the action slightly, but makes the image more profound.
S15: *My* heart’s poverty? When did I get into the poem? Also, I just don’t think these are the right lines for the end of this poem. It doesn’t mesh with the rest of it, and doesn’t convey a strong image and/or feeling. The perfect ending will *make* this poem.
S16: Here I am, still in the poem for the finale. Depending on if you change the preceding lines and what you change them too, I’d say ditch this line completely. If I/you haven’t been involved until now, no need to make an unnecessary appearance, especially one that so drastically changes the flow of the poem.

Final comments:
-I can imagine bits and pieces of this piece in detail. It’s a bit like jumping from focal point to focal point in a painting without seeing the work as a whole. These T.S. Eliot-esque images strike like snapshots, instead of presenting a fluid whole. Whether or not you want to change that depends on how you want the words and images to flow together.
-I am a bit curious about the means of the dream-death.
-As in “Thief”, I’m going to mention consistency of flow and balance. Even with free-verse, it’s helpful to give your reader some semblance of order to which they can cling. When you alter a pattern, do it deliberately. As this looks on the page, it lacks that deliberate feel with alterations in line length and section length. I’m not saying you should stick to a rigid structure though (ie: 1 line, 6, 1, 4, repeat). Hmmm. It’s hard to explain the idea I’m trying to get across. You might have a look at Eliot’s “Hollow Men” and see how he deals with free-verse structural form.