I am a thief of words
Rhythms and syncopations
Falling from open mouths
Like flowers kissed
With seasonal demarcation
I am a thief of time
Obligations, chaining red wrists,
Lay broken
I run into the sun
Under arcing blue transparencies
The great magnet stealing me
From daily chicaneries
I am a ruffian
Cloaked with skins of predators
Blending with the wild day
You do not know my intentions
Take heed poets
For I am here with my pen
Reading your thoughts
Comments 2
<3
Posted 12 Mar 2010 at 12:16 am ¶Disclaimer: Like Chris, I often find poetry difficult to comment on because of its intrinsic flexibility. Especially these days, rules and structure are thrown out the window, replaced by free verse and word/image association. As far as audience is concerned, poetry mostly fits inside the categories of like or hate, with a few opinions haunting the middle ground. That being said, my poetry critiques concentrate primarily on how the words strike me as an individual reader.
L=Line, S=Main Section
L2: I love the word “syncopation.” It’s so much fun to say aloud.
L4-5: When I think “demarcation,” I think of something being separated or isolated. While that thought has potential, the image painted in my head is of flowers dying and dropping from the stem. Personally, I don’t see words worthy of being stolen as equitable to dead flowers.
L7: I think in this line, the verb works better as “chained”.
L8: The verb tense should be “lie”.
L11: I’d prefer “steals”. When the action can be kept active instead of passive, I say go for it.
L12: Most people aren’t going to know what “chicaneries” are. I suppose that’s okay, depending on your audience. It’s a great word though.
S2: So the sun steals you from the trickeries of daily life? Trickeries that include the obligations you’re escaping from? That’s essentially what I’m getting out of this section. I’m a bit confused as to *how* the sun steals you. Additionally, this section is two lines longer than the first bigger section, and that bothers me a bit.
L13: No longer a thief? If your ruffian is going to wear animal-skins, maybe be more specific on what *kind* of ruffian is meant.
L14: For some reason, I don’t like “wild day”. It’s very general, especially since I rarely view the concept of “day” as wild. Pinpointing *how* the day is wild would help.
L15: “You” has just appeared in the poem. And *you* are correct. I/You do not know your intentions with this piece.
S3: Now the follow up “big chunk” is reduced to three lines. Recap: 4-6-3
L16: Not an “I” statement, but that works for me with this line, since you’re summing up what I see as the purpose of this poem.
L17: Creates a very nice image.
L18: Almost sets off my inner warning bells, since there is typically a separation between voice and the actual author/poet. I say “almost” because in a way, I like how this line works within the poem.
S4: I’m missing how this part connects to the second and third section of the poem. It goes with the first bit nicely.
Final Comments:
Posted 14 Mar 2010 at 4:14 pm ¶-Overall, you do a lot of good things. You create excellent images that I’d like to see more of, and command a strong vocabulary throughout. I really would love to see this piece reworked. You’ve got something here; it just needs more of the dust cleared off.
-The title’s a bit bland, but titles often are it seems. Still, it might be worth taking a second look at.
-In poetry, specifics work better over generalizations. They paint a more precise picture, even in poems that strike a more surreal or philosophical note.
-More consistency of form and balance throughout the poem should help.
-I think the biggest problem with this piece is the middle section, which diverts too far from the poem’s perceived intent. I have trouble relating it to the piece as a whole.
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