Comments on: Running Shorts http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/04/18/running-shorts/ Not all that useful for telling time, no... Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:41:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Bridget http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/04/18/running-shorts/comment-page-1/#comment-314 Bridget Tue, 27 Apr 2010 17:37:40 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1120#comment-314 P2: Apostrophe in “yesterday’s” P6: Comma instead of semicolon in that second sentence. “Bonking halfway through”—love that. P8: Comma instead of semicolon in that first sentence and I’d delete “me”, maybe use a stronger verb like “begging”? P12: Truth. And great description of the walk signal, by the way. Colon instead of semicolon on that last sentence and the second comma is unnecessary. P14: Delete “once again”; it adds nothing and makes the sentence structure look odd. P16: Exclamation point! No seriously, that’s what I mentally read inside my head whenever I see a punctuation mark: ‘It really wasn’t all that bad. Exclamation point!’ I’d limit the ending to one exclamation point only, probably keeping the first and ditching the second. Overall Comments: -In this tense, the constant “ing-ing” works just fine. -I like how you keep the run rhythm going with the repetition of footfalls and inhalations/exhalations. -If you’re going to work this piece over, I suggest adding more description on the location. Right now, we’ve got sidewalk, an intersection, hills, and not much else. It’s bare bones and could use some filling out. Not that *I* typically notice a lot of what’s going on around me when I’m running, but the oddest things jump out and I tend to have at least a general impression of the land/cityscape. -Shorts at the beginning, shorts at the end, but no mention of their annoyingness in the middle. Since the piece is titled “Running Shorts” and the shorts tie the whole thing together, this is a problem. -Oh, also? Loved the piece. P2: Apostrophe in “yesterday’s”
P6: Comma instead of semicolon in that second sentence. “Bonking halfway through”—love that.
P8: Comma instead of semicolon in that first sentence and I’d delete “me”, maybe use a stronger verb like “begging”?
P12: Truth. And great description of the walk signal, by the way. Colon instead of semicolon on that last sentence and the second comma is unnecessary.
P14: Delete “once again”; it adds nothing and makes the sentence structure look odd.
P16: Exclamation point! No seriously, that’s what I mentally read inside my head whenever I see a punctuation mark: ‘It really wasn’t all that bad. Exclamation point!’ I’d limit the ending to one exclamation point only, probably keeping the first and ditching the second.

Overall Comments:
-In this tense, the constant “ing-ing” works just fine.
-I like how you keep the run rhythm going with the repetition of footfalls and inhalations/exhalations.
-If you’re going to work this piece over, I suggest adding more description on the location. Right now, we’ve got sidewalk, an intersection, hills, and not much else. It’s bare bones and could use some filling out. Not that *I* typically notice a lot of what’s going on around me when I’m running, but the oddest things jump out and I tend to have at least a general impression of the land/cityscape.
-Shorts at the beginning, shorts at the end, but no mention of their annoyingness in the middle. Since the piece is titled “Running Shorts” and the shorts tie the whole thing together, this is a problem.
-Oh, also? Loved the piece.

]]> By: Chris http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/04/18/running-shorts/comment-page-1/#comment-309 Chris Mon, 26 Apr 2010 17:52:17 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1120#comment-309 I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record: but I like it. I like the shorts humor, and the details. It's simple but effective. As for the ing words, I think you dealt with them nicely. Don't get too carried away though, you can always use descriptive details (on setting, etc) to put the story in the "now" as well. I’m sorry if I sound like a broken record: but I like it. I like the shorts humor, and the details. It’s simple but effective.

As for the ing words, I think you dealt with them nicely. Don’t get too carried away though, you can always use descriptive details (on setting, etc) to put the story in the “now” as well.

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