Comments on: Fever http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/19/fever/ Not all that useful for telling time, no... Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:41:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: 25 Hour Watch - The Record http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/19/fever/comment-page-1/#comment-358 25 Hour Watch - The Record Thu, 27 May 2010 08:01:09 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1215#comment-358 [...] Ch. 6 – Fever [...] [...] Ch. 6 – Fever [...]

]]> By: Bryan http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/19/fever/comment-page-1/#comment-356 Bryan Mon, 24 May 2010 05:50:23 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1215#comment-356 Haha. Catawampus...Dweedle. :) Good stuff here. The pace was good and I could sense the urgency of the moment throughout. I can't wait for the next and "final" part. Just to let u know, as a fan, I'm starting the the demand for more after the series "ends", ...Now. Haha. Catawampus…Dweedle. :)

Good stuff here. The pace was good and I could sense the urgency of the moment throughout. I can’t wait for the next and “final” part.

Just to let u know, as a fan, I’m starting the the demand for more after the series “ends”, …Now.

]]> By: Bridget http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/19/fever/comment-page-1/#comment-355 Bridget Sun, 23 May 2010 22:22:50 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1215#comment-355 P1: I’m a little confused about why they’re all looking to David. He’s never seemed like an authority figure before now, but suddenly, he’s their local expert? What are they setting up for in the “brink”/brick building? Also, I thought Ford was a woman, therefore not a part of the “lost-looking men”. Second sentence has funky sound. P2: Two “beens”, one sentence. He cheered on each passing minute? It’s an interesting description, but doesn’t really fit the tone. If he’s being sarcastic, it doesn’t show through very well. Last sentence feels funky. P3ish: “Pouring onto maps”? Perhaps “over”. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s not just the “housewives” hiding away. Nice overview of the situation otherwise. P4: The only thing I would do here is make the last sentence its own paragraph. I like the repeated “he was” in this instance. P5: I like Ford, and she’s very assertive. Not the sort of government agent who would ask a local who’s potentially been compromised about where to set up camp—going back to my character issue from P1. P6: “Began” doing what? Packing? You’re much better with describing the action, though. P8: Shouldn’t she know this? *I* figured he had nothing to unpack in the first place. P10: Don’t capitalize “detective” here; it’s a noun in this instance, not a pronoun. P15: “Glanced”. --Well, shoot. That sure sucks for everyone else. Is David really going to stand for it? P2: She has a gun? Awesome, lol. P12: A full minute? Seems a bit long to me. --Excellent sense of urgency throughout this section, although you might build up the tension before David locates his parents a little more. Amazing hook at the end. At this point in the story, you have my full attention. P1: “Stared”. “At last look”—the whole sentence doesn’t make sense as written. The last sentence is a fragment that doesn’t work on its own like that. Also, I don’t have a spoon anymore, but if I did, I’d whack you!! “ITS!!” P2: Unaware or ignorant? I suppose unaware works though. P3: I don’t particularly like the last “ing” P4: Comma after the dialogue, which keeps it all one sentence. P5: “How ARE we on time?” P7: Comma after first bit of dialogue, not period. Need a verb in the next sentence; fragment doesn’t make sense. P8: “asked looking” becomes “looked”. We already know she’s asking because of the question mark, and this makes the action stronger. P9: No ellipsis. Also, good for David. Depending, of course, on what he plans to do ;) P1: You’ve got an extra “a” in that first sentence. Nice snippet of description. P2: Catawampus is an excellent word that doesn’t get nearly enough use. And part of me thinks that if David has never used a gun before, now is not an appropriate time to start. His chances of hitting what he aims at are teeny at best. The most he can legitimately hope for is scaring away the baddies. Also, what *has* he used a gun for that might up his chances? P3: Fragment again that does not work. “Flipping” becomes “that flipped”. Last fragment works better. Final stuff: -So. Who’s David planning to shoot? Please not Eric, please not Eric, please not… -Much better with integrating a bit of action/description throughout. As always, I’d like to see more of that. -Very exciting plot twists and developments. Seriously. We’re not leaving Wednesday until you’ve posted the next bit. And that’s a threat. -Out of curiosity, what phone makes a “dweedle” sound? David’s apparently. Dweedle, dweedle. -Catawampus. P1: I’m a little confused about why they’re all looking to David. He’s never seemed like an authority figure before now, but suddenly, he’s their local expert? What are they setting up for in the “brink”/brick building? Also, I thought Ford was a woman, therefore not a part of the “lost-looking men”. Second sentence has funky sound.
P2: Two “beens”, one sentence. He cheered on each passing minute? It’s an interesting description, but doesn’t really fit the tone. If he’s being sarcastic, it doesn’t show through very well. Last sentence feels funky.
P3ish: “Pouring onto maps”? Perhaps “over”. Also, I’m pretty sure it’s not just the “housewives” hiding away. Nice overview of the situation otherwise.
P4: The only thing I would do here is make the last sentence its own paragraph. I like the repeated “he was” in this instance.
P5: I like Ford, and she’s very assertive. Not the sort of government agent who would ask a local who’s potentially been compromised about where to set up camp—going back to my character issue from P1.
P6: “Began” doing what? Packing? You’re much better with describing the action, though.
P8: Shouldn’t she know this? *I* figured he had nothing to unpack in the first place.
P10: Don’t capitalize “detective” here; it’s a noun in this instance, not a pronoun.
P15: “Glanced”.
–Well, shoot. That sure sucks for everyone else. Is David really going to stand for it?

P2: She has a gun? Awesome, lol.
P12: A full minute? Seems a bit long to me.
–Excellent sense of urgency throughout this section, although you might build up the tension before David locates his parents a little more. Amazing hook at the end. At this point in the story, you have my full attention.

P1: “Stared”. “At last look”—the whole sentence doesn’t make sense as written. The last sentence is a fragment that doesn’t work on its own like that. Also, I don’t have a spoon anymore, but if I did, I’d whack you!! “ITS!!”
P2: Unaware or ignorant? I suppose unaware works though.
P3: I don’t particularly like the last “ing”
P4: Comma after the dialogue, which keeps it all one sentence.
P5: “How ARE we on time?”
P7: Comma after first bit of dialogue, not period. Need a verb in the next sentence; fragment doesn’t make sense.
P8: “asked looking” becomes “looked”. We already know she’s asking because of the question mark, and this makes the action stronger.
P9: No ellipsis. Also, good for David. Depending, of course, on what he plans to do ;)

P1: You’ve got an extra “a” in that first sentence. Nice snippet of description.
P2: Catawampus is an excellent word that doesn’t get nearly enough use. And part of me thinks that if David has never used a gun before, now is not an appropriate time to start. His chances of hitting what he aims at are teeny at best. The most he can legitimately hope for is scaring away the baddies. Also, what *has* he used a gun for that might up his chances?
P3: Fragment again that does not work. “Flipping” becomes “that flipped”. Last fragment works better.

Final stuff:
-So. Who’s David planning to shoot? Please not Eric, please not Eric, please not…
-Much better with integrating a bit of action/description throughout. As always, I’d like to see more of that.
-Very exciting plot twists and developments. Seriously. We’re not leaving Wednesday until you’ve posted the next bit. And that’s a threat.
-Out of curiosity, what phone makes a “dweedle” sound? David’s apparently. Dweedle, dweedle.
-Catawampus.

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