The white halogens that had not been broken or killed were scattered. As if in hiding, a fear that a mass of their numbers together would bring out the attackers again. Down the hallway they shone like spotlights, tiny squares of tile lit beneath them, the blackness of the school hallway pressed against them ready to spill over the bright edges. David moved carefully, his feet brushing against dirt, metal, sliding on almost dried crimson liquid. Each step gave him away. They knew he was there. They’d smelt him, tasted him on the air. Their eyes saw no darkness, their paws pushed no sound.
David’s hands were moist. His warmth beat against the metal in his hand, building warmer and warmer. Ready to shoot. He turned slowly, peered down side hallways and into open classroom doors, his eyes adjusting to the dark. He walked in a slow spiral, each end of the hallway taking his focus in turn. Clear. Quiet. Dark. Clear. Quiet. Dark. Each turn revealing an empty end.
Thu-bump. Thu-Bump. THU-Bump. THU-BUMP. THU-Bump. Thu-Bump. Thu-bump.
Something ran through the ceiling above him. His gun drawn, he followed it from where he stood, pointing the way to the farthest end of the hall. The end that lead to the gym and locker rooms.
When he lowered his firearm from the ceiling, turning toward where the noise fled, something waited and watched. All fours slightly hunched, David could see the shadow was ready to charge. Its eyes glowed, the only distinguishing feature of the dark creature’s head in the unlit end of the hallway. It stared at him.David stared back, unmoving.
It struck him. He wasn’t sure how. It had never moved. He took a few steps back, staggering. He was sure it had never moved. Its eyes, its head. They hadn’t even shifted. The glowing yellow had left and was replaced by a vibrant blue. But the animal had never moved.
David lowered his gun slightly, bringing his fist to his abdomen. He spat blood and propped a hand against the white painted brick wall. He panted, fueled by fear. He turned again to the far end of the hall. The creature met his gaze with its now yellow eyes, turned and left. Several others called to it in the distance.
From behind where it had stood, David saw the inside of the men’s locker room, the door no longer on its hinges. Down the hallway, David stepped through the open door and over some pieces of wall that were scattered across the floor. A shower was running, stuck by a creature during David’s escape. The hot water poured undisturbed down the drain, spilling puffs of steam across the floor. The steam tendrils reached out toward the broken lockers, vanishing against the cool surface of the tile floor. David rounded on the first row of lockers, pressed a hand to his lip and dabbed an unnoticed spot of blood.
The end of the row closest to him was crumpled. Like a house of cards blown over by a casual breeze. A pair of legs stuck out from the crumpled foundation.
“Eric?” David moved to the stack of metal boxes pining the legs.
“David… David?” The legs moved slightly, fidgeting in their small metal cave.
“Hold still, I’m gonna get you out…” David grunted, lifting pieces of metal as he unburied Eric. Piece by piece David slowly, and loudly, freed the man beneath the rubble. Together they shifted Eric’s body, planting him on the tile floor panting and wincing.
“Are you okay? Are you– Are… I mean…” David shook his head.
“I’m alright. I think my arm’s broken.” Eric pulled his arm close to his chest. “What’s wrong with you? Your lip… David you’re bleeding.”
“I’m– I… My head hurts… I can’t…”
“Bet cha’ can’t!” Lee Meyer stood like Peter Pan, hands in fists against his waits. His tousled blonde hair waving in the midnight breeze. “I bet you’re too scared.”
“Am not!”
“Then do it! Break it David!” Lee whispered sharply.
David turned to the car in front of him, the smooth metal baseball bat in his hand. The night stars reflected off the windshield, little light pollution from their small town to block out the celestial target points.
David leveled the bat with his waist. “Won’t we get in trouble?”
“Chicken!”
CRASH.
Hundreds of shards of glass spilled onto the previously covered car seats, others spilt onto the pavement and bounced across the black asphalt in rhythm with the startled car alarm.
Dee-voo. Dee-voo. Dee-voo.
“David? David?” Eric looked worried, his arm clasped to his chest, a dried gash glowing pink on his forehead. “What do you mean your head hurts?”
David looked around at the dilapidated locker room. “How long was I out?”
“What do you mean? David… You didn’t– you weren’t out. You just said your head hurts.”
“I… I dunno.” David shook his head and took a deep breath. “Come on. We gotta get outta here. There’s not much time left.” The clock on the wall still ticked off the seconds. They had just over an hour. “Can you walk?”
Eric took a moment, wiggling his toes inside his shoes and turning his ankles. He nodded and David pulled him gently to his feet. He staggered and leaned into David for support. This was going to take time.
Together they hobbled to the door. David peered down the hallway. It suddenly looked very long. “Come on. It’ll be faster if we cut through the gym.”
One hand around Eric’s shoulders, the other pressed against the gym door and pushed.
David stopped. Stared in shock.
“Oh my God! You–you’re early. I wasn’t expecting you ‘til later…Baby, this isn’t what it looks like.”
Stared.
A hushed tone whispered in the dark, “you have to go. …Go!”
Stared at the other man, a strange naked form pulling out of the linens and groping across the floor. A sock. Printed shorts. Jeans.
“We were… we were just… Baby, say something.”
A half naked figure brushed past David, moving through the darkness, a whorish grin stuck to his face as he left.
David stared.
“Damn it. If you’re not even going to talk to me how do you expect to make a relationship work?” The other dark figure stood from the bed and pulled on a shirt. “You have the communication skills of gnat.” It pulled on a pair of shorts from the chair next to the bed. “I don’t know why I even bother. You’re such a child… I really don’t think this is going to work anymore.” It stood. “Look, this last year has been fun, but I’m looking for something a little more serious. I don’t think there’s anything else for us to talk about. You should go.”
It moved to the doorway, directing David’s departure.
David had never felt this way before. It wasn’t sadness. It wasn’t anger.
David’s hand connected with a jaw.
Not anger. Not sadness. “I hate you.” It welled inside of David.
“Holy shit! You little freak! What’s wrong with you?!”
“David, what’s wrong? David!” Eric lay on the floor of the gym next to David.
The hatred welled up inside of David. He couldn’t see. His breaths were fast. Eric’s voice called to him. Brought him back. Back to his pounding head.
“Are you okay?” David rolled to his side, faced Eric on the floor.
“You just collapsed… Are you okay?” Eric propped himself up with his good arm.
“Yeah… I’m– we need to go.” David rolled to his feet, wrapped an arm around Eric’s waist and pulled him across the gym. David felt grateful that schools were designed with so many clocks. At least one in every room.
“Wait. David, wait. Slow down, you need to take it easy.”
“We can’t Eric! We can’t stop we can’t slow down! They’re gonna blow up the entire town in forty-five minutes and you can’t be here when that happens!”
Eric’s eyes turned to a deeper concern. “What do you mean?”
“They’re gonna blow us up. One last ditch effort to stop these creatures.”
“No, David. What do you mean? What do you mean: I can’t be here? What about you? You can’t be here either.” Eric let emotion pour across his face uncharacteristically.
“Look.” David pulled Eric along again, pressing through the far gym door and clenching his jaw out of pain. “If something happens you have to go. You have to get out of here.”
Eric choked, a warmth building behind his eyes and temporarily blocking his throat.
They moved down the hallway, the animals calling in the distance. Joyously running up and down empty upstairs hallways and letting their claws clank against tile.
David could see the open doorway to the parking lot in the distance. Flickering lights above them. They pressed on from shadow to shadow.
A fluorescent went. It burst, its life of stress ending in one brilliant flash of sparks that rained down from the sky.
Blues. Reds. Whites. Stars and streamers.
“David! Pie!” David’s mom called over from the picnic table full of food, the lingering scent of barbecue clinging to the tablecloth.
Reluctantly he pulled himself from the blanket laid across the grassy hill beneath the fireworks. David had never been a holiday person. He seldom felt like he had much to celebrate. This holiday was the worst.
“How big a piece do you want?” His mom asked cheerfully.
“I don’t care.”
She silently cut an average sized piece and slid it neatly onto a festive paper plate. “Ice cream?”
David pushed at the plastic forks on the table absently. “I don’t care.” He said, quieter this time.
She sat the plate down gently on the picnic table, pulled a paper napkin from the stack beside the pie and wiped her hands of cherry red goop. She picked up the ice cream scoop and went to work in the bucket of vanilla. “I miss him too.”
Identical balls of vanilla hugged each other, inching slowly toward the pie sharing their space. “It’s been three years. And every year is a different type of difficult.” She reached for the napkin again. “But, no one blames you David.” She said evenly.
“I blame me.” David picked one fork from amongst the many.
“You know how stubborn your brother was. If he put his mind to something–”
“I know…” David took his plate and pushed at the shifting ice cream with his fork. “Pie looks good. Thanks mom.” David turned back toward his blanket, one anniversary weighing more on his mind then the other. Twins in date but not in meaning.
“David,” his mother called, focusing on her son through the crowd of family ohing and awing under the early evening fireworks.
“I love you.”
Tears dripped down Eric’s cheeks. The pain. He pulled David through the doors and onto the parking lot ground.
“AAaaah!” David moaned, pawing at his temples.
“Hang on. We’re almost there.” Eric heaved with both hands, broken or otherwise. “Stay with me…” Eric pleaded.
David was dazed. “How long? How much time.” He staggered.
“I’m not sure I want to know.”
“You have to go… it’s–it’s coming. I don’t want it to hurt you.” David pressed his hands against his forehead again, a silent scream filling the vastly empty parking lot.
They both dropped to their knees, Eric bringing his hands to David temples. “Listen to me David, you can fight this. You’re gonna be ok. You just have to hang in there. Stay with me.” Eric pressed against Davids hand which pushed against his chest, “I’m not leaving.”
“I’m leaving! I hate you and I don’t want to live here anymore!” David screamed through the front door of his house, his father sitting within view down the short hallway at the kitchen table.
Hate filled David’s head. Pounding.
“David! Listen to me! Listen to my voice.” Eric spoke calmly. “I need you to listen to me. I need you–need you here.”
“We don’t need you here anymore.” Suzy Eve’s red pigtails bounced as she cocked her head. “We’ve discussed it, and we all think you’re doing a terrible job. Michael will be a better Treasurer.” She peeked slyly at the dark haired boy in the corner of the classroom. “Don’t bother coming to club anymore. We don’t need your negativity.”
Jealousy. Throbbing.
“Remember… remember when we met?” Eric shifted to the ground, David shaking against his hands.
“Remember the student loan you have to pay off?” David’s mom rarely got angry. She was furious. “How do you plan on doing that without a job? Of all the– fired? You had to go and get fired! What? You expect your father and I to be able to bail you out? On our budget? We’re barely getting by as it is!”
Shame. It pulsed with every rapid heartbeat.
“You came in with some–God awful–cookies. You wanted to say thank you to the officers who found your piece of crap bike after it was stolen?” Eric laughed sadly.
“Really, I appreciate it, but I really had nothing to do with finding your bike.” Eric smiled, reluctantly eyeing the plate.
“Oh, that’s okay. I made plenty. You don’t understand, I am broke. That bike is my life.”
David breathed.
“I must have ate…ten of those awful things. Spent what, half an hour talking?”
The low steady rumble of large plane engines called down from the sky.
“What was it you called those cookies?” Eric rested, settling onto the pavement peacefully. “They were chocolate. With coffee or something…”
“I’m pretty much a cookie master.” David joked, leaning against the police station counter.
“Cookie master? Are they the ones with the different colored belts? Or do you get a badge?” Eric slyly picked another cookie from the plate.
“What did you call them?” Eric looked across to the open pickup door. His arm twinged. Behind him he could just hear the howls of the animals being overshadowed by the roar of the plane above. “What did you call them?” Eric asked himself, accepting the ground below him and gazing absently at the world around him.
“Espresso my Thanks Cookies.” David muttered weakly.
Eric pulled his gaze down. David had stopped shaking. Eric let out a laugh.
“Were they really that bad?” David asked.
The parking lot blurred in Eric’s vision, moisture building up. “No. No, they were great.”
***
“Thank you for coming on such short notice Detective Ford.” The man bowed politely, taking his seat again across the table as the Detective seated herself quietly.
“As you know, we’re all saddened by the tragic… Earthquake that ravaged several towns in the Midwest earlier this week.” The man lowered his balding head to examine the stack of papers on the table in front of him.
“We’re very concerned that the few survivors are being–cared for properly?”
Ford glanced down at her tidy, short fingernails. “They’ve been examined an successfully made it through the quarantine process. I feel confident that they pose no threat–”
The man interjected, “Detective Ford, all I need is for the record to show that the survivors were not mistreated. Any speculation on the cause or effects of the natural disaster should remain speculation and are officially of no interest.”
Ford nodded her head. “Proper care was show to all remaining survivors.”
The man collected his papers, nodding. He stood, rounded the table, his hand on the door knob. “Detective Ford. Off the record: we have intelligence that suggests a small town on the Eastern coast may be in danger of another catastrophic earthquake. I believe Lewis has the details and travel arrangements for you.” The man pulled the door open. “I do hope we’ve seen the last of the earthquakes for a while.”
“Sir?” Ford turned in her chair. “Any word on the new team members I put in for approval?”
The man turned in the open doorway, the large high rise widows behind him looked out on clear blue skies. “A civilian with no military training, and a cop?”
“They’re survivors sir.” Ford stood from her seat. “I insist.”
The man eyed her for a moment, glanced at some of the papers in his hands. Slowly he nodded, and exited down the hallway.
Ford moved into the hallway, her slim figure reflecting off the glass panel in front of her. She looked down at the city below her. Thousands of people. Millions of cars. Trillions of emotions, thoughts, fears. All clashing with each other. The stress, aggression, hatred, shame, sadness.
The different walks of life. Contrasting beliefs. Opposing views. Supposed different sides of the same fence.
The creatures were out there. They couldn’t ever be truly stopped, and they would destroy more towns. There was no helping it.
Somewhere in Detective Ford’s reflection was a smile. Despite the odds, despite the hopelessness, she had at least two men on her side. Two people who knew the stakes, and knew how to combat the creatures lurking inside any one of the everyday people walking the streets below. Only three people who really understood. Not much compared to the city beyond.
There is always power in numbers.
Comments 2
SUCCESS
P1: I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say that the halogens were “killed”. Then you’ve got a fragment. Third sentence needs a bit more finessing. At “David,” we should probably be into a new paragraph. We’re not British: “smelled”. And write out “they had”.
P2: “Revealed”. Otherwise, nice paragraph. Allows some tension to build again.
P4: Ran through? “His” before “gun drawn” unnecessary.
P5: Dangling particle in the second sentence, unless David is the one with all fours hunched. Yay!! No spoon necessary!!
P6: Interesting. But what did it feel like when the creature struck him? Where did it strike? Why is he sure that it’s the creature that struck him?
P7: Here’s some of the missing info, but it works better if introduced before he starts thinking about how the creature never moved. Lots of “turning” going on here.
P8: “Struck”. If the blood’s unnoticed, why is he dabbing it? Nice scene though.
P9: Fragment.
P10: “Pinning”.
P11: Hooray!!
P12: Eric can move? Good on him.
P13: Either use all dashes or all ellipses in this sentence; not both.
P15: Ditto.
P16: “Waved”.
P19: “A” not “the” baseball bat. Kind of strange finishing sentence.
P20: He leveled the bat with his waist? Somehow, I don’t think so. More likely he lowered the bat to waist level.
P26: But he wasn’t out, was he?
P27: Oh.
P29: Eric can walk already? No seriously, after all of that, all he has to show for it is a broken arm?
P31: Sentence doesn’t flow. Subject confusion.
P33: Sure it’s not…
P35: Really funky punctuation here.
P36: Nice impressions. Works well.
P43: His hand? Ouch. Maybe a fist or knuckles. Or a palm, of flats of fingers if it’s a slap.
P51: No kidding.
P52: Check your punctuation on the second sentence.
P55: How about: “Uncharacteristic emotion poured across his face.”?
P58: The “ings” are back.
P60: Nice image.
P68: Watch dialogue punctuation again. You did it a few paragraphs earlier too.
P72: “ohing”? “ooing”
P80: Check punctuation.
P86: I’m having trouble understanding the described action here.
P89: Is this really a question? And why a sad laugh?
P91: “I’m”.
P93: “eaten”.
P99: Espresso my thanks? Lol.
P1: Lower case on second “detective”.
P2: Yup. We’re all really sad about that. Lowercase “earthquake”, by the way.
P4: “and”. “completed” instead of “made it through”?
P6: “shown”.
P9: Hooray again!! I’d have been very sad if you killed off Eric twice.
P12-13: Nifty bit of writing here.
P15: So she’s the third who understands? I want to hear her story. But then, you already know I’m a Ford fan.
P16: Hate to say it, but the ending comes across as cliché. After the powerful bit before that, it needs more thought.
Final thoughts:
Posted 01 Jun 2010 at 1:59 pm ¶-You’re back to excessive ing-ing in places, so watch that. Much better with the “it” thing—I didn’t need my spoon once! Better with punctuating dialogue too; only a couple of problem spots.
-As always, I’d like to see more description in subsequent drafts: the scene, the people and their reactions, more time taken on action, details worked in. Still, pretty darn good as a first draft.
-Eric lives! See? Denial sometimes pays off.
-I really liked the flashbacks inserted throughout, and how they flowed like dialogue. Consider putting them in italics, perhaps, to offset them more.
-Really nice scene there at the end with D. Ford. I like how you leave the action dangling with David/Eric, and then BAM! Here we are in a totally different scene with a totally different feel. It puts us off-balance, keeps the intrigue up, and then wraps things up in well-inserted explanation. The only problem is the last sentence. And for me, that’s often the single hardest sentence to write in the entire project. Good luck with that, lol.
Yeah! I want more, but all good things have to end…? I actually really liked the last sentence, kind of gave me goosebumps. Well done, my friend, well done!
Posted 04 Jun 2010 at 4:48 pm ¶Post a Comment