Comments on: The Record http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/27/the-record/ Not all that useful for telling time, no... Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:41:16 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: HM http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/27/the-record/comment-page-1/#comment-369 HM Fri, 04 Jun 2010 23:48:54 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1237#comment-369 Yeah! I want more, but all good things have to end...? I actually really liked the last sentence, kind of gave me goosebumps. Well done, my friend, well done! Yeah! I want more, but all good things have to end…? I actually really liked the last sentence, kind of gave me goosebumps. Well done, my friend, well done!

]]> By: Bridget http://www.25hourwatch.com/2010/05/27/the-record/comment-page-1/#comment-366 Bridget Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:59:57 +0000 http://www.25hourwatch.com/?p=1237#comment-366 SUCCESS P1: I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say that the halogens were “killed”. Then you’ve got a fragment. Third sentence needs a bit more finessing. At “David,” we should probably be into a new paragraph. We’re not British: “smelled”. And write out “they had”. P2: “Revealed”. Otherwise, nice paragraph. Allows some tension to build again. P4: Ran through? “His” before “gun drawn” unnecessary. P5: Dangling particle in the second sentence, unless David is the one with all fours hunched. Yay!! No spoon necessary!! P6: Interesting. But what did it feel like when the creature struck him? Where did it strike? Why is he sure that it’s the creature that struck him? P7: Here’s some of the missing info, but it works better if introduced before he starts thinking about how the creature never moved. Lots of “turning” going on here. P8: “Struck”. If the blood’s unnoticed, why is he dabbing it? Nice scene though. P9: Fragment. P10: “Pinning”. P11: Hooray!! P12: Eric can move? Good on him. P13: Either use all dashes or all ellipses in this sentence; not both. P15: Ditto. P16: “Waved”. P19: “A” not “the” baseball bat. Kind of strange finishing sentence. P20: He leveled the bat with his waist? Somehow, I don’t think so. More likely he lowered the bat to waist level. P26: But he wasn’t out, was he? P27: Oh. P29: Eric can walk already? No seriously, after all of that, all he has to show for it is a broken arm? P31: Sentence doesn’t flow. Subject confusion. P33: Sure it’s not… P35: Really funky punctuation here. P36: Nice impressions. Works well. P43: His hand? Ouch. Maybe a fist or knuckles. Or a palm, of flats of fingers if it’s a slap. P51: No kidding. P52: Check your punctuation on the second sentence. P55: How about: “Uncharacteristic emotion poured across his face.”? P58: The “ings” are back. P60: Nice image. P68: Watch dialogue punctuation again. You did it a few paragraphs earlier too. P72: “ohing”? “ooing” P80: Check punctuation. P86: I’m having trouble understanding the described action here. P89: Is this really a question? And why a sad laugh? P91: “I’m”. P93: “eaten”. P99: Espresso my thanks? Lol. P1: Lower case on second “detective”. P2: Yup. We’re all really sad about that. Lowercase “earthquake”, by the way. P4: “and”. “completed” instead of “made it through”? P6: “shown”. P9: Hooray again!! I’d have been very sad if you killed off Eric twice. P12-13: Nifty bit of writing here. P15: So she’s the third who understands? I want to hear her story. But then, you already know I’m a Ford fan. P16: Hate to say it, but the ending comes across as cliché. After the powerful bit before that, it needs more thought. Final thoughts: -You’re back to excessive ing-ing in places, so watch that. Much better with the “it” thing—I didn’t need my spoon once! Better with punctuating dialogue too; only a couple of problem spots. -As always, I’d like to see more description in subsequent drafts: the scene, the people and their reactions, more time taken on action, details worked in. Still, pretty darn good as a first draft. -Eric lives! See? Denial sometimes pays off. -I really liked the flashbacks inserted throughout, and how they flowed like dialogue. Consider putting them in italics, perhaps, to offset them more. -Really nice scene there at the end with D. Ford. I like how you leave the action dangling with David/Eric, and then BAM! Here we are in a totally different scene with a totally different feel. It puts us off-balance, keeps the intrigue up, and then wraps things up in well-inserted explanation. The only problem is the last sentence. And for me, that’s often the single hardest sentence to write in the entire project. Good luck with that, lol. SUCCESS
P1: I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say that the halogens were “killed”. Then you’ve got a fragment. Third sentence needs a bit more finessing. At “David,” we should probably be into a new paragraph. We’re not British: “smelled”. And write out “they had”.
P2: “Revealed”. Otherwise, nice paragraph. Allows some tension to build again.
P4: Ran through? “His” before “gun drawn” unnecessary.
P5: Dangling particle in the second sentence, unless David is the one with all fours hunched. Yay!! No spoon necessary!!
P6: Interesting. But what did it feel like when the creature struck him? Where did it strike? Why is he sure that it’s the creature that struck him?
P7: Here’s some of the missing info, but it works better if introduced before he starts thinking about how the creature never moved. Lots of “turning” going on here.
P8: “Struck”. If the blood’s unnoticed, why is he dabbing it? Nice scene though.
P9: Fragment.
P10: “Pinning”.
P11: Hooray!!
P12: Eric can move? Good on him.
P13: Either use all dashes or all ellipses in this sentence; not both.
P15: Ditto.
P16: “Waved”.
P19: “A” not “the” baseball bat. Kind of strange finishing sentence.
P20: He leveled the bat with his waist? Somehow, I don’t think so. More likely he lowered the bat to waist level.
P26: But he wasn’t out, was he?
P27: Oh.
P29: Eric can walk already? No seriously, after all of that, all he has to show for it is a broken arm?
P31: Sentence doesn’t flow. Subject confusion.
P33: Sure it’s not…
P35: Really funky punctuation here.
P36: Nice impressions. Works well.
P43: His hand? Ouch. Maybe a fist or knuckles. Or a palm, of flats of fingers if it’s a slap.
P51: No kidding.
P52: Check your punctuation on the second sentence.
P55: How about: “Uncharacteristic emotion poured across his face.”?
P58: The “ings” are back.
P60: Nice image.
P68: Watch dialogue punctuation again. You did it a few paragraphs earlier too.
P72: “ohing”? “ooing”
P80: Check punctuation.
P86: I’m having trouble understanding the described action here.
P89: Is this really a question? And why a sad laugh?
P91: “I’m”.
P93: “eaten”.
P99: Espresso my thanks? Lol.

P1: Lower case on second “detective”.
P2: Yup. We’re all really sad about that. Lowercase “earthquake”, by the way.
P4: “and”. “completed” instead of “made it through”?
P6: “shown”.
P9: Hooray again!! I’d have been very sad if you killed off Eric twice.
P12-13: Nifty bit of writing here.
P15: So she’s the third who understands? I want to hear her story. But then, you already know I’m a Ford fan.
P16: Hate to say it, but the ending comes across as cliché. After the powerful bit before that, it needs more thought.

Final thoughts:
-You’re back to excessive ing-ing in places, so watch that. Much better with the “it” thing—I didn’t need my spoon once! Better with punctuating dialogue too; only a couple of problem spots.
-As always, I’d like to see more description in subsequent drafts: the scene, the people and their reactions, more time taken on action, details worked in. Still, pretty darn good as a first draft.
-Eric lives! See? Denial sometimes pays off.
-I really liked the flashbacks inserted throughout, and how they flowed like dialogue. Consider putting them in italics, perhaps, to offset them more.
-Really nice scene there at the end with D. Ford. I like how you leave the action dangling with David/Eric, and then BAM! Here we are in a totally different scene with a totally different feel. It puts us off-balance, keeps the intrigue up, and then wraps things up in well-inserted explanation. The only problem is the last sentence. And for me, that’s often the single hardest sentence to write in the entire project. Good luck with that, lol.

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