Additionally, I’d like to see reworking of the lines/phrases/images. Much of the poem just doesn’t have a finished feel to it yet. I do particularly like the line “prayers balanced against a feather”, and the important integration of rebirth provides a cyclical end to a poem that begins with “creation”. A very cool concept the whole way through, and I’d love to see a more developed version, regardless of formal style

A couple of suggestions: I think the feel and form of the stanzas could be improved if you removed much (or all) of the punctuation, particularly commas and periods. There isn’t consistency with punctuation within the poem anyway, and the parts without work better for me. Additionally, consider removing the “we” in that second to last stanza (so it would read: “Open palms/touch cool red rock”). The blatant introduction of an active participant so late in the poem pulled me from the stanza. Subtlety would keep the mystic feel more intact.

Final Comments:
-This scene is intriguing, for sure. I’m intensely curious about what happened to bring about this destruction in the first place, who Dmitry is, and how he fits into the events.
-You switch back between “Dmitry” and “Dima” too often through the middle. I’d stick with the nickname after the initial intro until you hit with the full name in your last sentence.
-You sometimes have a tendency to overwrite the descriptions, which makes comprehension more difficult for your reader. Don’t be afraid to start simple and straightforward, and keep an eye on those commas. Additionally, be careful of when and how you use semicolons.
-Take a little more time in your opening description to orient the reader. Make us picture the scene, especially since there isn’t much in the way of action taking place. I think this will make your opening much more powerful.
-Excellent start! Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

P1: Lower case on second “detective”.
P2: Yup. We’re all really sad about that. Lowercase “earthquake”, by the way.
P4: “and”. “completed” instead of “made it through”?
P6: “shown”.
P9: Hooray again!! I’d have been very sad if you killed off Eric twice.
P12-13: Nifty bit of writing here.
P15: So she’s the third who understands? I want to hear her story. But then, you already know I’m a Ford fan.
P16: Hate to say it, but the ending comes across as cliché. After the powerful bit before that, it needs more thought.

Final thoughts:
-You’re back to excessive ing-ing in places, so watch that. Much better with the “it” thing—I didn’t need my spoon once! Better with punctuating dialogue too; only a couple of problem spots.
-As always, I’d like to see more description in subsequent drafts: the scene, the people and their reactions, more time taken on action, details worked in. Still, pretty darn good as a first draft.
-Eric lives! See? Denial sometimes pays off.
-I really liked the flashbacks inserted throughout, and how they flowed like dialogue. Consider putting them in italics, perhaps, to offset them more.
-Really nice scene there at the end with D. Ford. I like how you leave the action dangling with David/Eric, and then BAM! Here we are in a totally different scene with a totally different feel. It puts us off-balance, keeps the intrigue up, and then wraps things up in well-inserted explanation. The only problem is the last sentence. And for me, that’s often the single hardest sentence to write in the entire project. Good luck with that, lol.

Good stuff here. The pace was good and I could sense the urgency of the moment throughout. I can’t wait for the next and “final” part.

Just to let u know, as a fan, I’m starting the the demand for more after the series “ends”, …Now.